The Gospel According to Hossie

The Book of GENEZOOS (Red Letter Addition)



1:1 IN THE BEGINNING, these was the Word, and the Word was with Zoo,and the Word was Zoo. 2 Amd Zoo looked about him at the uniform
blankness, and found it restful, but boring. 3 And so Zoo invented
Variety. Not yet having reruns of Ed Sullivan shows, He created stars
and planets, worlds and space, 4 and filled them to the limits of His
imaginationl 5 And in one remote corner, on an insignificant planet, Zoo created
an Audience, 6 for He hated to waste all this effort on one being, even
on as important as Himself. 7 First, he made a Biosphere and filled it with all manner of plants and animals, many too small to see, for the future amusement and discovery by Audiences. 8 And He cteated Pond Scum, for surely variety
shows would someday need theatrical agents and lawyers.

2.1 Amd Zoo saw that it was pretty nifty, and poatted Himself on the
back, for truly He is double-jointed. 2 And Zoo made birds, and
fishes, and dolpins, and snakes, and all manner of creatures which
inhabit the Ecological Niches. 3 And just for orneriness, He created
mosquitoes. 4 And to properly apprecaite what He had wrought, He
created the frist Couch Potato, Adam. 5 And He saw that Adam was good,
because Adam would make the ideal Consumer whenever Zoo got around to
inventing economics. 6 And so Zoo said unto Adam, "Look ye upon My
works, and wonder!" 7 And Zoo showed Adam all the fruits of the
Outdoor Theater, and said, "Eat of these as you wish, for all are tasty
and wholesome, and I'm too busy to set up a Food Chain just now."

3.1 And Adam saw, and wondered, and ate of tasty fruits and veggies,
and drank Instant Breakfast and Fresca, and was not afraid. 2 But
eventually Adam felt he had seen and leanred everything, and said unto
Zoo, "What else may I do?" 3 And Zoo pointed to Adam's weenie and
taught him more uses for it than a mere water spout. 4 And Adam gained
amazing proficiency with his right hand, and 5 with his left hand, and
6 with his toes. 7 But Adam, still lacking imagination, went again unto Zoo and said,"Verily, this is fun, and thank you very much, but I grow callousses upon my hands and toes, and blisters upon my flechy pickle." 8 Zoo was temporarily nonplussed for, verily, He had considered Adam little more than a jerk=off from the Beginning.

4.1 But Zoo, being quick on the uptake, desided Adam might be able to
handle advanced diversions. 2 So He pointed to the various animals and
whispered into Adam's ear. 3 "Really?" asked Adam as his eyes grew
wide. 4 And Zoo nodded, and went about His business, satisfied that
Adam could never exhaust the variety of sex He had introduced him to.

5.1 But there dwelt in the Theater a fundamentalist, who had escaped
the notice of Zoo, hiding in the disguise of a Liberal, 2 which was
supposed to be a harmless, dumb beast. 3 And the fundamentalit spake
unto Adam, saying, 4 "Doest thou dip thy wick in yon sheep? You have
not hooves, nor woolen coat." 5 And Adam, a sucker for phony logic,
nodded. "It is not meet that I do so." 6 And the fundamentalist said,
"The wolf howled as you boffed her. Do you enjoy abusing and hurting
innncent animals?" 7 And Adam was much ashamed, and his prickle wilted
under the heat of it. 8 And in like manner did the fundmentalist ruin
every romantic encounter Adam attempted with any of the enimals of the
Garden, 9 yea, even unto the knotholes in the trees. 10 And Adam was
sore wrought, and cried to the findamentalist,

6.1 "Why doest thou do such things unto me, to ruin my pleasures? 2
Am I not doing what Zoo Himself made me to be and do?" 3 And the
fundamentalist answered with a knife-and-forked tongue, 4 "Did not Zoo
make you smarter than the animals? Does He not showz you new things to
do? 5 For you are made Superior to the others, 6 and fucking them should
be below your station." 7 "But what shall I do for nookie??" asked
ADam, for verily he was a horny little shit. 8 "Ask your buddy, Zoo,"
sneered the fundamentalist. 9 "Thou art continuaoly birching to Him
about one thing or another, anyway." 10 Wherefore, much wroth and consfused, did Adam once again approach Zoo and ask for a sexual parter like unto himself. 11 And Zoo was much confused by the request. "Have I not given thee endless variety, from horse trotters, to dog boners, even to filpper flappers in the sea?"
12 And Adam admitted it was so.13 "And have I not fed thee, and amused thee, and given thee a Tool which brings pleasure?" 14 And Adam admitted that this was also so. 15 "Wherefore, then, doest thou pester me with these annoying nettles?"

7.1 And Adam, remembering the fundamentalist, became stubborn. 2 "Thou hast made me with Thine Hands, I speak where others speak not. 3 You listen to me wherefore you listeneth not to the sheep, nor the mare, nore the bitch, nor the dolphin." 4 In Ttuth, Zoo did listen to these, but he saw no reason to enlighten a creature who was proving obstinate. 5 "And," continured Adam, "I think I deserve a mate who is my equal in all things." And in a moment of wrath, Zoo agreed with
Adam. 6 "You shall have one who is your equal in silliness, in vaporicity, in deceit, in disloyalty, and in dissatisfaction with Things As They Are."


8.1 And thus spake Zoo: "You, Adam, can go to Hell." And then created
He: Eve.

 

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